This is an email Mr. Panda sent me on Valentines day. I feel bad for him..but I've moved on with my life and he needs to let go and do the same.
It's harder said than done..but I've already gone through that and it's not impossible. He makes me feel guilty for his pain....
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Sent: Saturday, February 14, 2009 4:19 PM
Subject: Hey Just Hear Me Out K Please
Hey all I wanna say is when I first saw u in High School I was in love w/ u n I knew u where da one for me, n ur sti da one I love even though were not together I still love u. In fact I now a certain person that once told me that no one can't interfear w/ our love n all those people can keep talkin' n say what they want cuz no one can get in our way for what we feel for one another. And I know that I fckd' up a few times in our relationship n that cause a trust issue n u just couldn't trust me for awhile n yes I do regreat da fact that I fckd' up but listen here Flower, I'm better than ur e-x gonna better tha n ur next. And when u broke it off w/ me I tried so hard 2 play cool like it don't face me, so one nite out in TQ where I was in Iraq we had a kik bak n I was talkin to Alicia n then out nowhere we kissd n when we did I felt so fckn' bad cuz even though u n me were not together I still felt like we were n I was so ashame of myself Flower n that was da closes thang I ever did w/ a chik out there just once. And I now that ur not my girlfriend n I don't care da fact that u got a "man", but if u have any feelings for me I know that he can't love u like I can n I would never hurt u n that's da truth cuz being an asshole is not me I hate being that n I know I was when we broke up n wanna apologize for that n I mean it from da bottom of my corazon Flower sorry. There's no woman that can take my love away from u because I still c us holding hands, goin out 2 da movies n having dinner walking down da beach diggin our toes 2 da sand, it's da simple thangs that I miss from u Flower. And da million question that I've askd' myself over n over again if u really love so much when I left 2 Iraq then y did u left me?? Cuz oout there I realized that u were da true one for me n this just drive me crazy, cuz I can't c u w/ no one else but me, me being ur beloved husband, a father n mainly growin' old together. If thangs would of happend like we planned u would of been here n u wouldn't worry on what I do cuz I'll be coming home 2 u every nite doin u rite ur da type of woman that deserves good thangs u should just let me love u give all things u need good love n security. It's just like da song from Babyface "No one knows but me", that's how I've been living Flower n I kik myself for not expressing my true feelings for u I was just scarred that u might of left me, but I was wrong. U thought I didn't care for our relationship n u were wrong in that perspective cuz I did care n I still care Flower I just want u back Flower. Also i lied 2 u I don't drink every nite maybe like 2 a mnth but when I do is mostly by myself n I drink til' I cry n pass out cuz da memories hurt me real bad. Due 2 da fact that I fckn' love u so much n also due 2 da fact that when ever u say u'll call me bak n u don't that makes me cry Flower just cuz I'm a guy doesn't mean I don't have any feelings, well I do just like u Flower. Also I gave up on staying on shape so I'm letting my gut grow bak again cuz da main eason I got bak in shape was for u, n now there's no reason y I should be in shape n I always keep thinking in the love that we had n here I am being straight honest n saying nothing but the truth. Maybe u should stay @ ur house n stay in ur room n think about everything n I'm being serious just remember I loved u for a very long time n I still do Flower think of me n where I'm going w/ this Flower well also listen to this other song from Los Temerrarios "Si quiero volver". Well I'm sorry for taking ur time n tnx for taking ur time for reading tis n also Happy Valentine's Day my love muahz bye:(
Monday, February 16, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Putting things behind...
Last night was just hurtful for me. I ended up leaving Mr. Rocky's apartment because he hurt me with the things he said. I felt I needed time to myself so I just left and went home to my own bed. I was so tired...I felt kind of numb. Like I knew that I needed time to myself to think about things but at the same time knew that I love him and that he loves me and I dont think he'd ever just give up like that with me walking away. At least I hope so.
He called me yesterday when he got off work to tell me that he wasn't going to need a ride home because he was at the bar with his buddies. I was of course upset because I had already left work early to pick him up since his car is not working at the moment. I went to his apartment and made him some dinner since he said he wouldnt' be long. Well 5 hrs pass by and he then calls me to see if I can pick him up and I do. He then starts saying that he needs to know everything about my past because the day he find out something about me that is true he will leave me. I told him he knows everything about me ...everything there is to know.
He then proceeds to tell me that his ex-girlfriend was a virgin when they got together and that she was very loyal. I proceeded to yell out and say that I didnt give a shit about his girlfriend. If she is so perfect for him why is he with me? It just seems that every time I feel like we do one step forward and then two steps back. I just want to move past this. Everyone has a past and no I'm not a virgin. I'm sorry. I really wish he would of been the first and only man in my life..but unfortunately that is not the case. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them.
It seems that every time he drinks with his buddies the same topic comes up when we are together afterwards. I end up feeling hurt by the things he says and it's a neverending story. I don't want my life to be like that in the future. I dont want this to happen every time. I just want him to move on past my past and accept me entirely.
So I spent last night alone in my bed and he was alone in his apartment as well. I have to tell you I couldn't sleep much. I kept thinking alot of things. About how I should of stayed with him last night and work things out instead of leaving, but at the time being alone seemed much better. Deep in my heart I feel like this is something that he isn't ever going to be able to move past. I know that I will never find someone like him. I know this. He is my true love...but can love keep us together and help us get past this?? I want it to..SO BAD.
He called me yesterday when he got off work to tell me that he wasn't going to need a ride home because he was at the bar with his buddies. I was of course upset because I had already left work early to pick him up since his car is not working at the moment. I went to his apartment and made him some dinner since he said he wouldnt' be long. Well 5 hrs pass by and he then calls me to see if I can pick him up and I do. He then starts saying that he needs to know everything about my past because the day he find out something about me that is true he will leave me. I told him he knows everything about me ...everything there is to know.
He then proceeds to tell me that his ex-girlfriend was a virgin when they got together and that she was very loyal. I proceeded to yell out and say that I didnt give a shit about his girlfriend. If she is so perfect for him why is he with me? It just seems that every time I feel like we do one step forward and then two steps back. I just want to move past this. Everyone has a past and no I'm not a virgin. I'm sorry. I really wish he would of been the first and only man in my life..but unfortunately that is not the case. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them.
It seems that every time he drinks with his buddies the same topic comes up when we are together afterwards. I end up feeling hurt by the things he says and it's a neverending story. I don't want my life to be like that in the future. I dont want this to happen every time. I just want him to move on past my past and accept me entirely.
So I spent last night alone in my bed and he was alone in his apartment as well. I have to tell you I couldn't sleep much. I kept thinking alot of things. About how I should of stayed with him last night and work things out instead of leaving, but at the time being alone seemed much better. Deep in my heart I feel like this is something that he isn't ever going to be able to move past. I know that I will never find someone like him. I know this. He is my true love...but can love keep us together and help us get past this?? I want it to..SO BAD.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I know..but I feel like I don't.
I'm sure of what I feel for Mr. Rocky. I'm in love with that man. He is my home, but at the same time I don't know why I think about Mr. Panda. Well maybe it's because he's been calling me at work and I answered the phone the other day and he of course proclaimed his never ending love for me even though we aren't together anymore.
Seriously, it's been more than 10 months that I broke up with Mr. Panda. He told me he loves me so much and that he will never find someone like me that I am and will always be the love of his life. Maybe thats what brings him into my mind? Because I feel good knowing that he can't get over me and that he still loves me? He called me again today and left me a voicemail messege acting like I'm his girlfriend and calling me "babe". I feel bad for him you know...I couldn't even wait for him to come back from Iraq...maybe things would of turned out different.
No, what am I saying? He did things that I didn't agree with. He tried to hold me back from shining bright.
I am happy with my life right now. I feel at peace with myself. The only thing I need to be completely balanced is to settle down with my man Mr. Rocky. We're going to Vegas in March and I am really excited for that. We need to spend some vacation time together. Our plan is to do a little vacationing...at least small trips here and there for at least six months and then settle down together. Get an apartment and make a baby!! I'm so ready to be a mother. :)
Cheers to the good life!
Seriously, it's been more than 10 months that I broke up with Mr. Panda. He told me he loves me so much and that he will never find someone like me that I am and will always be the love of his life. Maybe thats what brings him into my mind? Because I feel good knowing that he can't get over me and that he still loves me? He called me again today and left me a voicemail messege acting like I'm his girlfriend and calling me "babe". I feel bad for him you know...I couldn't even wait for him to come back from Iraq...maybe things would of turned out different.
No, what am I saying? He did things that I didn't agree with. He tried to hold me back from shining bright.
I am happy with my life right now. I feel at peace with myself. The only thing I need to be completely balanced is to settle down with my man Mr. Rocky. We're going to Vegas in March and I am really excited for that. We need to spend some vacation time together. Our plan is to do a little vacationing...at least small trips here and there for at least six months and then settle down together. Get an apartment and make a baby!! I'm so ready to be a mother. :)
Cheers to the good life!
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