Putting things behind...

Last night was just hurtful for me. I ended up leaving Mr. Rocky's apartment because he hurt me with the things he said. I felt I needed time to myself so I just left and went home to my own bed. I was so tired...I felt kind of numb. Like I knew that I needed time to myself to think about things but at the same time knew that I love him and that he loves me and I dont think he'd ever just give up like that with me walking away. At least I hope so.

He called me yesterday when he got off work to tell me that he wasn't going to need a ride home because he was at the bar with his buddies. I was of course upset because I had already left work early to pick him up since his car is not working at the moment. I went to his apartment and made him some dinner since he said he wouldnt' be long. Well 5 hrs pass by and he then calls me to see if I can pick him up and I do. He then starts saying that he needs to know everything about my past because the day he find out something about me that is true he will leave me. I told him he knows everything about me ...everything there is to know.

He then proceeds to tell me that his ex-girlfriend was a virgin when they got together and that she was very loyal. I proceeded to yell out and say that I didnt give a shit about his girlfriend. If she is so perfect for him why is he with me? It just seems that every time I feel like we do one step forward and then two steps back. I just want to move past this. Everyone has a past and no I'm not a virgin. I'm sorry. I really wish he would of been the first and only man in my life..but unfortunately that is not the case. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them.

It seems that every time he drinks with his buddies the same topic comes up when we are together afterwards. I end up feeling hurt by the things he says and it's a neverending story. I don't want my life to be like that in the future. I dont want this to happen every time. I just want him to move on past my past and accept me entirely.

So I spent last night alone in my bed and he was alone in his apartment as well. I have to tell you I couldn't sleep much. I kept thinking alot of things. About how I should of stayed with him last night and work things out instead of leaving, but at the time being alone seemed much better. Deep in my heart I feel like this is something that he isn't ever going to be able to move past. I know that I will never find someone like him. I know this. He is my true love...but can love keep us together and help us get past this?? I want it to..SO BAD.