Life, as told by me

Act like a Lady, think like a Man.

2009-03-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

I just read this book yesterday and let me tell you ladies..it's an awesome book.

My favorite part was that it's OKAY to give your man an ultimatum for getting a ring on your finger. And just because you both live together and already have kids doesn't mean he shouldn't want to marry you or think about marrying you.

It talks about setting down requirements for your guy. There is nothing wrong with this. He SHOULD always treat you with respect, open the doors for you, pull out your chair when you go out to eat. All of this is not something that CAN be required from your man.

It also talks about why men cheat. Why do they cheat? Because they simply can and if they think they wont get caught then they will do it. Steve Harvey (the author) actually cheated on his wife and he talks from experience. Sometimes power makes it more likely for a man to cheat. Not only that ladies, also not giving him the cookie every night also makes a man stray. You go to work in a skirt and heels you should come home to your man in a skirt and heels and not dress down because you've had a long day and are tired. Pretty much look good for your man always!

Not only that, don't try to look like Beyonce, Shakira, or any other celeb. Be happy with how you look and confident in yourself. If you already have a man obviously he liked you just the way you are. Don't get me wrong you need to upkeep yourself like a brand new car. Put on some new rims and shine em' up every weekend. Get me?

Steve Harvey outdid himself with this book. I recommend it to every woman who feels they need the in's on how a man thinks. Pretty much a man likes a woman who acts like a lady under all circumstances. Who doesn't get drunk every time they go to a bar and he has to carry her to the car. That is not how a lady would act. A man wants a woman who can hold her own but can also let him be a man. That being letting him pick up the tab, letting him fix the lightbulb in your car when it goes out. A man wants a confident woman who loves him and supports him.

Reading this book made me realize I have a man who REALLY DOES love me.

Hey Just Hear Me Out K

2009-02-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

This is an email Mr. Panda sent me on Valentines day. I feel bad for him..but I've moved on with my life and he needs to let go and do the same.

It's harder said than done..but I've already gone through that and it's not impossible. He makes me feel guilty for his pain....
----------------------------------------------------

Sent: Saturday, February 14, 2009 4:19 PM
Subject: Hey Just Hear Me Out K Please

Hey all I wanna say is when I first saw u in High School I was in love w/ u n I knew u where da one for me, n ur sti da one I love even though were not together I still love u. In fact I now a certain person that once told me that no one can't interfear w/ our love n all those people can keep talkin' n say what they want cuz no one can get in our way for what we feel for one another. And I know that I fckd' up a few times in our relationship n that cause a trust issue n u just couldn't trust me for awhile n yes I do regreat da fact that I fckd' up but listen here Flower, I'm better than ur e-x gonna better tha n ur next. And when u broke it off w/ me I tried so hard 2 play cool like it don't face me, so one nite out in TQ where I was in Iraq we had a kik bak n I was talkin to Alicia n then out nowhere we kissd n when we did I felt so fckn' bad cuz even though u n me were not together I still felt like we were n I was so ashame of myself Flower n that was da closes thang I ever did w/ a chik out there just once. And I now that ur not my girlfriend n I don't care da fact that u got a "man", but if u have any feelings for me I know that he can't love u like I can n I would never hurt u n that's da truth cuz being an asshole is not me I hate being that n I know I was when we broke up n wanna apologize for that n I mean it from da bottom of my corazon Flower sorry. There's no woman that can take my love away from u because I still c us holding hands, goin out 2 da movies n having dinner walking down da beach diggin our toes 2 da sand, it's da simple thangs that I miss from u Flower. And da million question that I've askd' myself over n over again if u really love so much when I left 2 Iraq then y did u left me?? Cuz oout there I realized that u were da true one for me n this just drive me crazy, cuz I can't c u w/ no one else but me, me being ur beloved husband, a father n mainly growin' old together. If thangs would of happend like we planned u would of been here n u wouldn't worry on what I do cuz I'll be coming home 2 u every nite doin u rite ur da type of woman that deserves good thangs u should just let me love u give all things u need good love n security. It's just like da song from Babyface "No one knows but me", that's how I've been living Flower n I kik myself for not expressing my true feelings for u I was just scarred that u might of left me, but I was wrong. U thought I didn't care for our relationship n u were wrong in that perspective cuz I did care n I still care Flower I just want u back Flower. Also i lied 2 u I don't drink every nite maybe like 2 a mnth but when I do is mostly by myself n I drink til' I cry n pass out cuz da memories hurt me real bad. Due 2 da fact that I fckn' love u so much n also due 2 da fact that when ever u say u'll call me bak n u don't that makes me cry Flower just cuz I'm a guy doesn't mean I don't have any feelings, well I do just like u Flower. Also I gave up on staying on shape so I'm letting my gut grow bak again cuz da main eason I got bak in shape was for u, n now there's no reason y I should be in shape n I always keep thinking in the love that we had n here I am being straight honest n saying nothing but the truth. Maybe u should stay @ ur house n stay in ur room n think about everything n I'm being serious just remember I loved u for a very long time n I still do Flower think of me n where I'm going w/ this Flower well also listen to this other song from Los Temerrarios "Si quiero volver". Well I'm sorry for taking ur time n tnx for taking ur time for reading tis n also Happy Valentine's Day my love muahz bye:(

Putting things behind...

2009-02-12T09:22:00.000-08:00

Last night was just hurtful for me. I ended up leaving Mr. Rocky's apartment because he hurt me with the things he said. I felt I needed time to myself so I just left and went home to my own bed. I was so tired...I felt kind of numb. Like I knew that I needed time to myself to think about things but at the same time knew that I love him and that he loves me and I dont think he'd ever just give up like that with me walking away. At least I hope so.

He called me yesterday when he got off work to tell me that he wasn't going to need a ride home because he was at the bar with his buddies. I was of course upset because I had already left work early to pick him up since his car is not working at the moment. I went to his apartment and made him some dinner since he said he wouldnt' be long. Well 5 hrs pass by and he then calls me to see if I can pick him up and I do. He then starts saying that he needs to know everything about my past because the day he find out something about me that is true he will leave me. I told him he knows everything about me ...everything there is to know.

He then proceeds to tell me that his ex-girlfriend was a virgin when they got together and that she was very loyal. I proceeded to yell out and say that I didnt give a shit about his girlfriend. If she is so perfect for him why is he with me? It just seems that every time I feel like we do one step forward and then two steps back. I just want to move past this. Everyone has a past and no I'm not a virgin. I'm sorry. I really wish he would of been the first and only man in my life..but unfortunately that is not the case. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them.

It seems that every time he drinks with his buddies the same topic comes up when we are together afterwards. I end up feeling hurt by the things he says and it's a neverending story. I don't want my life to be like that in the future. I dont want this to happen every time. I just want him to move on past my past and accept me entirely.

So I spent last night alone in my bed and he was alone in his apartment as well. I have to tell you I couldn't sleep much. I kept thinking alot of things. About how I should of stayed with him last night and work things out instead of leaving, but at the time being alone seemed much better. Deep in my heart I feel like this is something that he isn't ever going to be able to move past. I know that I will never find someone like him. I know this. He is my true love...but can love keep us together and help us get past this?? I want it to..SO BAD.

I know..but I feel like I don't.

2009-02-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

I'm sure of what I feel for Mr. Rocky. I'm in love with that man. He is my home, but at the same time I don't know why I think about Mr. Panda. Well maybe it's because he's been calling me at work and I answered the phone the other day and he of course proclaimed his never ending love for me even though we aren't together anymore.

Seriously, it's been more than 10 months that I broke up with Mr. Panda. He told me he loves me so much and that he will never find someone like me that I am and will always be the love of his life. Maybe thats what brings him into my mind? Because I feel good knowing that he can't get over me and that he still loves me? He called me again today and left me a voicemail messege acting like I'm his girlfriend and calling me "babe". I feel bad for him you know...I couldn't even wait for him to come back from Iraq...maybe things would of turned out different.

No, what am I saying? He did things that I didn't agree with. He tried to hold me back from shining bright.

I am happy with my life right now. I feel at peace with myself. The only thing I need to be completely balanced is to settle down with my man Mr. Rocky. We're going to Vegas in March and I am really excited for that. We need to spend some vacation time together. Our plan is to do a little vacationing...at least small trips here and there for at least six months and then settle down together. Get an apartment and make a baby!! I'm so ready to be a mother. :)

Cheers to the good life!

Does this mean he doesn't care??

2009-01-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it seems for the past week or so Mr. Rocky doesn't call me when he gets off work. He used to do it before and now he doesn't and I'm not sure why. I didn't expect him to call me but he did so I got used to it and now that he doesn't it bugs the heck out of me.

I just don't know what to do or if I should even say anything. I've been spending the nights with him at his apartment for the past two weeks and it's been nice and everything..but I just don't know anymore. Like does he even care for me anymore?? Today I got off work and I didn't head over to his apartment like I normally would...instead I went to the gym to work out my stress. I've been stressing over my job and this vacation that Mr. Rocky wants me to take with him. He wants to take me to Florida in March. It sounds perfect doesn't it, but due to the situation at work..I just don't think it's great timing even though I already got the okay from my jefe.

It's been 3 hrs since I got off work and Mr. Rocky knows my schedule and he has yet to call me.

It feels like home to me

2009-01-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

I feel like if I have done something wrong. When indeed I haven't. Why is it that you make me feel this way?

Why is it that I feel so sad...and so hurt...by miscommunication. I am here pouring my heart out to you.

He is the one that I think of every night before I sleep even though he is laying right next to me.

I feel his arms around me holding me oh so tight throughout the night. His soft kiss on my shoulder. Oh how this makes me feel so good. It takes me to a place I never thought I would ever get to. A place where no one knows but me. A place where all my thoughts are free to be heard ...where no one can hurt me. Where I feel eternal.

Things are good

2009-01-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

So Rocky got so drunk on Saturday night his friends took his keys away from him thus he kind of stood me up. He did call me though..so it's not really standing me up. I wouldn't of wanted him to drive anyway..not like that. I went to sleep and he called me around 2 am asking me if I could pick him up. I went and picked him up and he was just completely wasted. He smelled good though..which is weird...especially since he was really drunk.

I took him home and we stayed up talking. He told me that it's done and over with. That he finally talked to his friend and that Gonzo was happy for him and for me. They aren't friends anymore though because Rocky wants it this way.

Anyway we are planning on moving in together hopefully before the summer and we might be going to Florida for vacation next month. I sure hope that comes through. A vacation starting the new year would be oh SOOO good.

So nervous...

2009-01-03T23:00:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting in my room right now waiting on Rocky's phone call. He is at a BBQ with his friends and he's going to tell them that he's seeing me. I'm thinking they will probably tell him that I'm not good for him because of what happened between Rocky's friend Gonzo and I. He was supposed to go over there and then call me as soon as he was done. I texted him to tell him that I was ready to head out to the club and that was at about 9:50. He said he wanted to be over there a little after 10 and it's already 11. I'm tripping out. I called him about 10 minutes ago and he told me he would give me a call in a minute. It's been over a minute and I'm still here waiting.

Why do I feel so nervous? He loves me and I love him. If our love is really strong no matter what his friends tell him he will stick by my side. Right? How much influence can his friends opinions have on him? We had talked previously before he decided to talk to them that no matter if they liked the idea or not of me and him being together that it wasn't going to affect us. That he loved me and that is all that mattered.

I was at my moms house when he called me to tell me he was going to the bbq. After I got off the phone I got on my knees and prayed for him and for us. I know God will listen to my prayers so I really don't have anything to worry about. Right?

So all of this has me here venting to the only person/thing that can hear me at this moment. Oh how I wish he'd call me right now......

Am I going nuts?

2008-12-31T10:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, Mr. Rocky called me last night because he had told me he would call me. So he did. Anyway, he said he was really tired so our conversation was short.
Yesterday he called me in the morning on his way to work and I haven't heard from him this morning. Because I haven't heard from him I'm thinking way too much. I think he doesn't want to talk to me or something. I think I'm just tripping.

We're supposed to spend New Years Eve together. Tonight to be exact. I know we're spending it with his family but we haven't exactly made the plans of what time and where. So I'm feeling like I'm going to be spending it on my own. It's only 11 am. He'll call right?

I always worry about being the first to call him. I don't want to seem desperate...like I need to hear his voice 24/7 because I really don't need to but I want to feel like he does need to hear MINE. Ha...sometimes I make myself laugh.

Guys any opinions?

A fresh start?

2008-12-30T12:44:00.002-08:00

After work yesterday I called my friends Liz and Linda to meet me at Applebees for drinks. I figured what else could I do with the $50 gift card my boss gave me. I had been craving a margarita so I had two on the rocks. After that I went home and showered and headed to Mr. Rocky's apt. Anyway, there was a chick there with Nemo (Mr. Rocky's roomate) when I got there.

We stayed up quite late writing down our goals on the back of a Domino's pizza ordering menu because I couldn't find anything else to write on.
Mr. Rocky's goals are as follows:
To become a journeyman, make more money, seriously play basketball, get a place together with me, make a little pumba with me, pay off his bills, spend time with his pino (godson) and renew his passport.

Mine are as follows: Pay off my car, pay off bills, play basketball & soccer, work out more, get down to business with school, do junior achievement volunteering, make a little pumba, marry Mr. Rocky, get a place with Mr. Rocky, save money for a house, pay off my laptop, spend more time with my god daughter/god son, get a passport, go on vacation to Mexico.

I was on the junior achievement volunteering goal when Mr. Rocky said he noticed that the most important ones weren't on my list. He was talking about getting a place together & making a baby, but at that point I wasn't done. Obviously those are two goals that I would really like to happen in 2009. They say that when a woman is ready to have a baby you should give one to her. I'm so ready. I know that Rocky would be an exceptional father and husband. We've talked about marraige and he says he can see doing that with me...but so far no proposal.

We were talking yesterday about him possibly moving to a different state to find more work. He said he would want me to move with him..but does this include a ring? I know things don't have to necessarily be done in order..but if we are talking about making a baby I would really like for that baby to be born into a marraige.

This morning he told me what was really bothering him yesterday. Apparently one of his guy friends named George went to the bar with his ex-girlfriend last night. His ex-girlfriend is so in love with Mr. Rocky still. I've never seen a woman act so desperate in my life. Anyway, Mr. Rocky and I spent the whole Christmas break together. This past Friday Rocky and I were at his apartment when George came in with his girlfriend Sarah. George doesn't exactly know that Mr. Rocky and I are together. And George is a big time instigator and wants to know everything kind of person. Anyway, I'm sure he told Jenny (Mr. Rocky's ex) about me being at Mr. Rocky's apt and what not. This is why Mr. Rocky was upset last night. Anyway, George spent the night at Mr Rockys apt last night and Mr Rocky is sure he's going to tell Jenny things about Mr Rocky and I. I feel that Mr. Rocky shouldn't care what his so called friend says and I really think that George isn't his friend if he's giving information to Rocky's ex-gf. That's just me. I'm not here to choose his friends either. I just really hope that he doesn't cause us any problems. I'm really just tired of all this drama already.

I'm ready for a fresh start in 2009.

1986 Air Jordan II

2008-12-11T13:56:00.000-08:00

1985-1986 was a sad year for Michael Jordan. He broke his foot 3 games into the season and the bulls didn't do so great. Anyhow, those 1986 Air Jordan's MJ is wearing are probably the most awesome basketball shoes ever, next to the blue and white Penny Hardaway shoes.

I'm in the search for a pair of those 1986 Air Jordan II classics. If I can't find a pair of those then a retroed 1994 version would work. If any of you find em' let me know.

I hate funerals!

2008-12-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

I hate funerals.

I think everyone does.

Whoever likes them..is certainly not human.

I'm going to my great uncles funeral later this afternoon and I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about it.He was just 49 years old and died of heart problems. It runs in my moms side of the family.I'm really saddened by this because it was just about a year ago that my great grandpa passed away.It seems like everyone is dying one by one. I told my mom she better start drinking green tea because I read in the paper somewhere that it is good for your heart.I know I'm starting the tea thing pronto!

I got a letter in the mail today...

2008-12-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

I got a letter in the mail today and it was from someone that I wish to not ever hear about....my ex-husband.It was a real surprise. The last time I heard from him was 2 1/2 years ago probably. Anyway, in this letter from him he apologizes for hurting me and turning his back on the only woman that truly loved him. He also apologized for committing adultery while we were together. I had heard something about him cheating on me while we were together after we had been divorced and by that time I really didn't care. I just never thought it was really true. Well I guess it was.

In his letter he asks for my friendship and for me to write back. This is coming from my first love who broke my heart and shattered it to pieces. Hell no I don't want to be your friend? Are you nuts?I remember the last time I talked to him before I filed for divorce. I asked him if he wanted to work things out and he said no. I said "okay" with that feeling in your throat when you feel like crying and somehow I managed to hold back my tears. I told him that one day he would regret it and when he did I would be long gone. It felt good to have him ask for forgiveness and I feel sorry for him, but just because I do doesn't mean I'm going to be his friend.

After I read that letter I thought to myself should I tell my boyfriend about this. After I got divorced it took me a while to trust men and I let a man into my life his name is Mr. Panda. It just so happened that Mr. Panda is my ex-best friend's brother. We started a long distance relationship over the phone. He is a Marine stationed in Camp Pendleton. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for about 4 months when I decided to go visit him in San Diego. When I went that first trip he asked me to marry him. So I said yes and we were engaged. I should of really said no, because I wasn't ready for that kind of committment yet. I had barely started to experience life since I had married young. I was partying, meeting people, doing things that I wanted to do for myself. Anyhow, Jesus got deployed to Iraq for his second tour since joining the Marines. Things didn't work out and I broke up with him.

I have since found love in my best friend Mr. Rocky. This has by far been the best relationship I've been in. I'm the kind of person that I give my all or nothing at all. I've given him every bit of me. Anyway, I'm not sure if I should tell him about this letter. My gut tells me I should, but then another part of me tells me I shouldn't. That I should just tear that letter up and throw it away. It seems like now that I've found the person I would like to settle down with my past keeps coming back. My exboyfriend has been calling me alot using stupid excuses for calling. I've had to tell him that he needs to stop calling me and I'm about ready to change my phone number though I don't think it has to come to that. We are all adults here. And now to tell Juan that my ex-husband wrote to me. I just don't know if that is even important enough to tell him.Well I just contradicted myself didn't I? If I just wrote this whole blog about the letter and whether or not to tell him it's obvious I should just tell him.Anyway...I'll let you all know how that goes!